My House Needs a Colon Cleanse

Did you ever just look around your house and say ugh?

Maybe it’s because I’ve been spending so much time in it thanks to Mother Nature, but I’m noticing some things around the house that are really making me twitch.

A brothel of half-naked Barbies sprawled over the floor.

Dozens of “Petite Picassos” as I like to call them, all over the table. They’re all beautiful, trust me. There’s just a lot of them.

Stuffed animals up the ying-yang.

Valentines from my girls’ classmates that they have to keep. Mind you, some of them are from pre-k kids who can’t even write their names. Yet, they are keepsakes.

Crayons. Lots of crayons. Broken, whole, you name ’em, we got ’em.

Dittos from school. More like “ditto diarrhea”. Yet, I feel bad even throwing one away because I know my daughter poured her heart into each and every one of them.

Toys. Tiny, big…it doesn’t matter

Dust bunnies.

Appliances that need a facial. Floors that need a wax. Cubbies that need the big “O” (organization).

Sigh.

My husband says I’m exaggerating. He says we have two kids, what do you expect?

I expect not to feel like my house needs a colon cleanse.

That’s right, a colon cleanse. A deep cleaning from the inside out to purge out all the nastiness and junk.

Truth be told, if you walked into my house you wouldn’t think it’s that bad. I’ve seen worse. But, it still gets under my skin.

I want to give my Swiffer and Magic Eraser a big cuddle and then send them to work overtime.

I want to take a garbage bag and just toss all the things that are making me break out in hives. The kids will never notice. Right?

Sometimes, they actually don’t. Then there are the times I put things in a box to put in the basement and they somehow find them. They pull them out of the box and resurrect them. There’s no fighting it. It’s exhausting.

Total defeat.

If you feel like your house is that bad, then why don’t you just give it a colon cleanse? You may ask.

Because I have kids. Simply put. We all know things don’t stay clean and organized for more than one minute before crumbs and dolls invade once again.

Sigh.

Excuse me while I go bury my OCD in the mound of toys in the playroom.

 

A New Year’s Resolution List from My Kids

Dear Mom,

We’ve heard you talk about these things called “New Year’s Resolutions” a lot lately. We heard you say you want to eat better and exercise more so you don’t get a muffin top. We kinda don’t get that because we always like the tops of muffins. You know we actually like them better than the rest of the muffin, so we really hope you’re not trying to get rid of all the muffin tops.

We also don’t know what kind of junk is in the trunk that you talk about getting rid of. You’re a bit of a neat freak. The only “junk” we see is a stroller that you insist on driving around with although you really know we don’t need it. So, if you want to get rid of that “junk”, we’re all for it.

We also heard you say you want to read more and write more. We’d settle for learning to read and write well. But, we know you’re  a bit of a nerd, so we get this one if that’s what you want to do.

Since you’re doing all this stuff, we thought we should be doing things too. Here’s a list of things we came up with:

1. Sleep in our own beds more than just once a week– Although we love a good snuggle, you probably don’t like all the elbows and knees to the rib all night. Sorry, but that’s just how we roll.

2. Try to put more toys away– We know you keep stepping on Barbie’s head and getting Lego imprints in the bottom of your feet, but what’s the point in putting all the toys away when we’re just gonna take them all out again tomorrow? Plus, you keep saying “fudge” every time you trip on something. We like fudge, so this one is going to be a tough Mom, just warning you.

3. Go to bed easier– We know you want us to go to bed so you can do your stuff, but we really don’t want to. But, we’ll try. We guess.

4.Share-It’s just one small word, but for some reason you yell it a lot. We can try to do better here.

5. Clean Our Own Butts– Who really wants to wipe poop from their butts? Not us. This one is going to take some time.

We can’t promise we’ll get all of these done, but we’ll sure try. Just please, save the muffin tops.

Love,

Your Daughters

Okay, before you think my kids actually came up with this list, let me tell you, they didn’t. If my 5 and 3-year-olds could, these are things I would love for them to do. I’m sure every mom has a list of their own out there.

I can tell you numbers one, two, and five, have already been broken…many times.

Number three has seen the most success, with number four dragging behind.

We’re only a few days into 2015, so we’ll see how it  goes.

As for the muffin tops, and junk in the trunk…I’ll see what I can do!

What kinds of resolutions would you like to see your kids make?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Charming” Doll Creeps Me Out

“Mommy look, Lalaloopsy is pooping charms!”

What? When I heard my daughter say this I thought my sleep deprivation was certainly getting the best of me or that my daughter was delusional. Sadly, neither one of these things was true. Lalaloopsy was indeed pooping and peeing charms for little girls to make bracelets out of.

Gross.

lalaloopsy

This lovely creation is what the cool kids call Lalaoopsy Babies Diaper Surprise . A surprise indeed. After changing diapers for the better part of five years, I can tell you I never once found a charm nestled away in a poop or pee-filled diaper. Never. But, now little girls can feed their Lalaloopsy doll, press her belly button, check her diaper and find a plastic charm to play with. How wonderful and factual.

After watching and re-watching this commercial a few times (thank you rewind option on live TV), my daughters and I laughed. This doll is ridiculous! My older daughter asked if she was going to pee or poop charms. She was joking of course. But, if she pooped out some diamonds, I wouldn’t complain.

I know dolls like this are just for play and we shouldn’t take them seriously, blah blah blah….but really, a doll that poops toys? Can we please think of something else for our girls to play with? This is just gross and weird all at the same time. It doesn’t help that I find Lalaloopsy creepy anyway. This just adds to the creeper factor.

Needless to say you will not find this doll in my house. I just can’t. So strange. That is, unless she poops real diamonds. Then, maybe. But, just maybe.

 

Ditching the Diaper Bag

Carrying a diaper bag is just one of those things that go along with being a mom. Babies and kids are little but they sure require a lot of stuff just to take a ride to the grocery store. No matter how nicely you pack the bag, it becomes a hot mess in a matter of minutes!  It is the place where crumbs and baby wipes mix together, sticking to your lip gloss that you couldn’t find in months. Things go in and yet never come out. There just isn’t much more to say except for the fact that it is gross.

As time goes on, you wonder how you ever functioned without a bag that wasn’t half the size of your body. You also wonder when on God’s green earth you will be able to ditch the bag and feel like a real woman again. It’s amazing how much you really miss carrying a semi-normal sized bag. Then comes the day when you only need to throw in a pack of wipes and some fruit snacks.

No more diapers.

No more bottles.

No more binkies.

No more formula.

No more musical keys.

No more diaper cream.

You are free!!!! IMG_4048

This day came for me a couple of months ago. After nearly five years of carrying a diaper bag, I realized I didn’t need it anymore. My youngest daughter was potty trained. Both girls ate grown-up food. They could carry their own toys in some handy dandy backpacks. I no longer needed to be a walking nursery! Praise the Lord!

To say the feeling was liberating would be an understatement. I was so happy to get rid of that thing! As far as diaper bags go, mine wasn’t so bad, but it was still such a hassle. I much rather carry a larger sized pocket book and not look like Babies R Us!

Has anyone else ditched the diaper bag and felt the same way?

What the Fork? Who Has a Potty Mouth?

It’s the moment any parent dreads. The moment when your child learns how to say a swear word. He or she may not be able to say their name all that well, but they sure know how to say “fork” like it’s second nature. Of course you laugh at first because you have no idea that the word or words are about to come out of that little mouth. But, after the shock, awe, and a few giggles you really need to squash it like a bug. But, what if you do and it still happens…repeatedly?

If you haven’t been able to guess, my little princess angels have learned some rather unlady like words. Does it make me a bad parent? No. Please say, no. It all started when I was driving one day and some jerk cut me off. Instead of calling him a jerk or something else that didn’t start with an “F”, I chose some other words that are not exactly in the Bible, if you know what I mean. All of a sudden, I hear an echo like there’s some kind of parakeet in the car. But, she wasn’t saying, “polly want a cracker?” Instead, she repeated my profanity in the sweetest little voice…and then laughed. She knew it was bad. She knew she shouldn’t say it. But, she did. Ooopsy…mommy made a boo boo.

I could lie and say that was the only time she ever said it. My two-year-old says it on occasion. My four-year-old, not so much. It’s the little one who has a little truck driver mouth. Of course I yell, of course I punish, but yet those words have not been erased from her ever growing vocabulary. Oopsy! All I can say is at least she uses it when it’s appropriate…like when the Target lady wouldn’t give her her toothpaste after she asked a few times. Thankfully the lady didn’t get what she was saying, but I knew all to well, and so did my little potty mouth toddler. Of course I yelled at her outside and told her I would run over her favorite teddy bear if she said it again. Of course she stopped saying it…for awhile. Of course she still says it now. Sigh.

So, what’s a mom to do besides watch every word that comes out of her mouth to make sure they are all “G” rated? I’m still working on that one. For right now I’m hoping this is just a phase. Really, I am.

 

I Pooped My Nemo

Potty training. It really is one of the most annoying things about having a toddler. You desperately want them out of diapers especially when they poop worse than you do. No one likes cleaning that. No one. You desperately want to ditch the diaper bag you’ve been lugging around for more than two years and exchange it for one the pocket books that’s been collecting dust in your closet. Hell, maybe even treat yourself and buy a new bag. You deserve it.

Instead, you spend your days trying to tell your little one that there are no more Pull-Ups in the house even though she knows they are hiding in your bag. You try to tell her no one else in the house wears diapers. You try to show her how cute it is to have Dora or the Disney Princesses all over her little butt. She’s not buying it. Nothing much seems to work.

If you haven’t been able to tell, I’m the middle of potty training my younger daughter. As much as I thought it was going to be a breeze, I was wrong. The potty seemed to be her BFF for a short time. She went to pee every now and again and thought it was great. Now, not so much. I tried letting her pee in her underwear. She got wet, got changed, and moved on with her day. It didn’t faze her. That is until she had to poop.

One day when she was in the playroom, I hear my older daughter yell that her sister pooped in her underwear. It doesn’t get much worse than that from the whole cleaning up perspective. As I walked in, I hear my pooper say, “Mommy, I pooped my Nemo.” You see, she was wearing underwear with Nemo all over it. Well, now Nemo wasn’t so pretty. She pooped for sure. After I cleaned her up, I told her not to poop on Nemo anymore. It’s so 2013.

To this day, Nemo has managed to stay clean. Instead, she takes off her underwear and grabs a Pull-Up. She does her business in her Pull-Up and then tells me she pooped. Couldn’t you have just gone in the potty instead? I. Don’t. Get. It.

Anyway, that’s where we are. The pediatrician says not to push it. She says it will click one day. I know she’s right, because that’s what happened with my first. I’m just sick of cleaning diapers and paying for them! For now, our goal is to keep Nemo, Dora, and all the other characters poop free.

There’s Milk in My Bed & It’s 4 a.m.

Kids are messy. Kids are noisy. Kids are…well…kids. Part of a being a parent is knowing to expect the unexpected. You just never know what’s going to happen. I never learned this lesson as much as I did at four o’clock this morning. Let me set the scene for you. My two-year-old was crying and yelling in her bed. Enter one child into mommy and daddy’s bed. The four-year-old hears the commotion. Enter child number two into mommy and daddy’s bed. Everyone falls asleep. Great. Then, some Gremlin must have poked my two-year-old. She started yelling for Caillou. We ignore it. She yells louder. Can you see why I have such a hateful attitude towards this character? Anyway, I proceed to put the TV on in hopes of calming her down and getting her back to sleep so everyone else can sleep again too.

Everything is going well. I’m drifting off. My husband is snoring. My four-year-old is sleeping. I don’t hear the two-year-old. I was wrong. She starts yelling for milk. We ignore it. She yells louder. I get up to get her milk. I don’t want you all to think she always gets what she wants, but when it’s four in the morning, sleep is the goal, not lesson teaching, so sue me!

She gets her milk. I go to the bathroom. I walk out and hear a “splat” followed by a cry…followed by another cry. I look at my two-year-old. Drops of milk are falling from her hair, dribbling down her face and all over her soaked pajamas. I start laughing. I wished I picked up my phone and snapped a picture. My daughter was so shocked and disgusted. It was classic. I guess someone didn’t put the lid on the sippy cup tight enough. What do you want from me? It was four in the morning and I did it with one eye open, without my glasses!

Then, my four-year-old starts to scream. “My Mickey Mouse jammies!! Mickey Mouse!!”

Girlfriend was flipping out because one of her favorite pairs of pj’s was now soaked with milk as well. Don’t cry over spilled milk child!

So, let’s recap…I have two milk-soaked children as well as a bed full of milk and two parents that don’t know if they should laugh some more or cry they are so tired. Did I mention it’s four in the morning? Yep…it is. So, we proceed to dry everyone ,change everyone and everything and regroup. This includes putting towels all over the bed so we can try to go back to sleep.  What a mess!

Once all is said and done, there’s more drama, tossing, turning, and re-locating, but everyone does get back to sleep.

So, what’s the morale of the story? Expect the unexpected…oh and, make sure you fasten that sippy cup lid!

The Little Bald Kid is Back…Guess Who?

He’s bald, each day he grows some more…he’s Caillou…and he’s back with a new season of fun to entertain children and annoy the fudge out of parents everywhere. Last weekend, a slew of new episodes premiered in a four hour whiney-action packed marathon. My girls watched parts of it. I wanted to poke my eyes out with a spork during every second.

Usually with a new season, characters look older or different in some way. Well, Caillou must be trapped in some kind of time warp where he doesn’t grow hair, doesn’t mature, and never changes his style of clothes. He is just as annoying as he was last season. Nothing has changed. He’s just put in different situations where he still whines until he gets his way.

The only character who seems to grow just one shoe size and slightly less annoying is little sister Rosie. At least this season she’s talking more and seems to have a better grasp of just how annoying her big brother really is. I’m hoping to see her use their cat Gilbert in some kind of hostile takeover  where Caillou somehow disappears into a polar vortex. Somehow.

Caillou’s mom has evolved as well this season. She’s taken up yoga. The poor woman probably needs a little zen dealing with that little annoying booger. I’m surprised she hasn’t taken up drinking as well. The only bright light she has is her little girl. Even her husband is annoying. Wonder where Caillou gets it from? The apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree.

Speaking of Caillou’s father, when have you seen a grown man in a massive bubble bath with his child’s rubber ducky? Weird with a capital “W” if you ask me. There’s one scene where Caillou opens the door to find daddy lathering up in the tub. They both giggle as Caillou shuts the door.

Other strange things happen in that tub too. Caillou has his equally annoying friend Leo over for a sleepover and the two little boys bathe together. First of all, I have never heard of friends taking a bath together during a sleepover. Secondly, if your sleepover buddy is so dirty he has to take a bath at your house, there’s a problem. Lastly, what’s wrong with his mother putting the two boys in the tub together? I think she’s done too many shoulder stands at yoga if you ask me. I don’t want my kids to think they are going to go over to their friend’s house and take a bath. Ever.

There has been one bright light during this new season. There was some new kid Andy (I think that’s his name) who didn’t want to be friends with Caillou. Alleluia Andy! I think he’s the only one who sees Caillou for what he is. I wouldn’t want to be friends with him either! Andy is the only one who’s had enough fruit snacks to stand up to our little bald headed beast.

As we continue to watch Caillou’s escapades, I am hoping to see him mature, even if it is just with one hair on his head. I will also be looking to see if he can stop whining for just one little episode. It would also be fantastic if his mother would finally just yell at him like all the rest of us parents out there want to. He’s your kid woman, just do it. And while you’re at it, take the rubber ducky and bubble away from your husband!

 

My Dad Does Tricks & I Have a Brother

I’ve always known my daughter has an active imagination. A very active imagination. She makes up friends, talks to them, plays with them, and sits next to them at the table. She’s crazy when it comes to stuff like that. I just never thought she would take it outside the walls of our house. I was wrong.

This morning, we had our first parent-teacher conference. I was wondering what the pre-school teacher was going to say. I know they have been doing Kindergarten readiness tests with the kids, so I was very curious to see how she scored. As a parent, I was obviously concerned and wanted to make sure she was on track with everyone else. Thankfully, we’re just where we need to be when it comes to the ABC’s of learning and ready for Kindergarten in the fall.

The fun part came when the teacher went over some answers to some simple questions. She asked her when her birthday was and how old she was. July and 4.

Great.

She asked if she had a birthday party. Yes. She even named some people who were there.

Great.

She asked how many brothers and sisters she has. She answered correctly about her sister and then added that she has a five-year-old brother named Michael.

Wait, what? My husband and I started laughing. She has no real brother. At home she has an imaginary brother who pops up every now and again. We can’t tell who he resembles, but he’s there and sometimes has dinner with us…when he’s good, my daughter says. But, I never thought she would tell her teacher about him.  Like I said, she has a very active imagination.

Next, she was asked what Daddy does and where he works. She got the place right, but said he does “tricks”. He’s not a magician, but he does do a lot of fun things with them that could be considered “tricks” I guess.  Thankfully she didn’t say mommy does anything with “tricks” because if she did we would have had a lot more to talk about!

Then, she asked what I do. My daughter said I work at the same place as Daddy. I don’t. I am a SAHM and do some freelance writing. I was really  afraid she told her teacher I shop because that’s what she came home and told me she said one day. My daughter also said she told her teacher I drink wine. Not a lie, but not something I need to talk about with her teacher!

I guess the saying, “from the mouths of babes” is true. You never really know what kids are going to say. I know it could have been much worse. At least we got some good laughs!

 

And What’s Your Name Little Girl?

Your name. It’s something you hear right from the moment you are born. You learn to answer to it. You learn to say it. You learn to write it. You learn to either love it or hate it. Apparently, if you’re my daughter, you also learn you can change it! Yeah, that’s right. I think my daughter is driving a one person petition to change her name. I don’t know why because I think she has a beautiful name. If we named her something ugly or stupid then maybe I could see her reasoning.

So, She goes around telling people her name is “Mina” (Mean-a). Her name doesn’t start with an “M” nor does it rhyme or sound anything like “Mina”. Still, she is “Mina”. She does it in the house. She does it in front of family. And now she’s starting to do it in public. This, folks, was my worst fear come true. At her cousin’s birthday party over the weekend, one of the worker’s at the little play gym went around the circle asking the kids their names. Since she can’t say her real name yet, I expected my husband to answer for her. But, before he could open his mouth she blurted out “I’m Mina.” I laughed. What else could I do? She knows her name is not Mina because I correct 100 times a day. Still, she’s Mina. Even when I yell at her she says, “No, I’m Mina.” So, then I yell at Mina too!

It’s all silly now, but I’m really afraid she’s going to call herself Mina when she goes to pre-school in the fall. The teacher is going to look on her list and realize she doesn’t have a Mina! She’ll make friends and they’ll call her Mina. She’s going to have split personalities. Ahh!!!

Everyone asks me where she got the name from. There is a show she watches and the lady’s name is “Nina”. So, I’m thinking she’s getting it from there. That is truly the only thing I can think of. I need to call Nina and tell her to change her name!

So what’s a mom to do in the “Mina time”? I guess I’ll keep correcting her and hope this is just one of those annoying phases!