My Kids, The Church Guy, & "The Comment"

Have you ever had a moment (or moments in my case) that you wish you were a little quicker on your feet? You know, to be able to have the perfect comeback without even thinking about it? Yeah, well I recently had one of those and I’ve been kicking myself for it all week. Here goes…

I take my girls to church almost every week. Sometimes they are good. Sometimes they are not. Sometimes they sing their own songs during the hymns and yes, my oldest even takes bows in the pews after the Alleluia. I stuff my diaper bag with books, goldfish, fruit snacks, sippy cups, and anything else that I can to keep them entertained and quiet for forty-five minutes. Although I think I’ve packed everything, I sometimes wish a bunny would pop out for those times when they just won’t keep quiet. Yes, I’ve even whipped out my phone and put a video on silent just to keep my two-year-old’s attention. Go ahead and judge, but don’t tell me you’ve never done the same. The three of us are quite the show when we are in church!

There have been plenty of times when they just don’t keep quiet no matter what. There have been plenty of times when I’ve left because I feel like they are just being too noisy. But, recently they were super quiet, so why do I feel so annoyed? Oh yeah, because of the guy who said, “Hey, your kids were quiet today” after holding the door for me because I had one child sleeping on my shoulder and the other holding on to my finger tips. Instead of asking “what do you mean?” All I said was, “yeah”. I walked away thinking to myself, are you implying my kids are devils every other time? Are you saying I can’t control my kids? What are you trying to say to me man who comes in late almost every week with no kids as an excuse? One kids was sleeping dude, so what do you expect!

Ugh. Maybe I’m letting it get to me too much. Okay, obviously I am because I’m blogging about it. But all I can think about is how rude! Instead of saying, “hey it’s great you bring the kids so young lady” or “I didn’t even know your kids were in church”. I don’t know. I would have been able to digest anything but what he said. Who knows, maybe he did mean it nicely and it just came out super awkward. I don’t know. I guess I never will.

What I do know is that I can’t wait until this weekend. If we do make mass, I think I am going to sit right behind where I know he sits every week and let my kids loose. Maybe I’ll let them eat a bowl full of Halloween candy and give them some goldfish and see where they swim and then let kids take their bows!

Parental Pet Peeves

Twirling hair, nail biting, nose picking…these are all things that kids do that can really push a mother’s buttons. Out of those three, twirling hair is enemy number one on my list. My older daughter does it and it drives me insane in the membrane. It’s like there is a magnet pulling her little finger to her head. No matter how many times I tell her to stop, she keeps on doing it. I can’t stand it. I’ve told her she’s going to go bald if she continues. She doesn’t care. I’ve threatened to cut off all her hair. She doesn’t care because she knows I would never do it. I’m trying to come to grips with the fact that this is something she is just going to have to out grow. Hopefully, before she really does go bald!

While there are things that kids do that drive me nuts, they are kids, so I can give them a little bit of a free pass. Now, there are some things that other parents do that really get under my skin. There is no free pass here. Here’s the biggie…are you ready? Wait, please put down your phone first so I can really have your attention. Yep, that’s it. Parents who are too busy on their phones to notice their children are flagging them down like they are trying to hail a cab in Midtown Manhattan.

I see this every week at my daughter’s soccer games. Parents are so technologically invested in their phones that they don’t even notice what their kid is doing on the field. Drives. Me. Nuts. Just last week, I saw a guy with his head down for half an hour. When he picked his head up to finally notice his kid, the little guy looked was looking around like he was going to pick daisies. He could care less about playing. The Dad yelled at him to pay attention. I wanted to yell back, “You moron, he probably doesn’t care because he sees you don’t care.” Duh! It doesn’t take a genius to figure that out.

When I was going growing up (oh God I sound like my mother!) we never had to compete with technology for our parents’ attention. I think this is sad side effect of just how stupid our smart phones have made us. Does anyone out there agree?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m no parental angel. I’ve caught myself with phone and Facebook in hand plenty of times before. I know how addictive and stupid all those apps can become. But, that’s when I log off and log on to what’s in front of me. Status Update: Being 100% mommy now!  I think if we can unplug more often we would really appreciate our kids before they become old enough to unfriend us on Facebook and tweet about us under #uncoolparents. What do you think?

Dear Terrible Two’s,

Dear Terrible Two’s,

So, you’re back. I’m about excited over your return as I am about watching a “Caillou” marathon. I was warned about you the first time around and to be honest, you didn’t really live up to your name. But, this time, I think you’re coming after me with a vengeance. Not cool two’s, not cool at all.

I’ve been keeping my eye on you over the past few months as you tried to sneak earlier than you were supposed to. You really don’t have any respect for rules, do you? I can tell. You just do what you want, when you want, and always have a good scream to go along with it. You are annoying two’s.

You also don’t ever seem to have your “listening ears” on. Do you know what the word “no” means? It is the opposite of yes. It is derived from the letters “N” and “O” and is usually followed by the words, “didn’t you hear me the first time?” I say it a lot, but you don’t listen. Although, you do like to say plenty, just for sugar and giggles and to get me going. I’m not laughing two’s. Not at all.

I’m also not getting a kick out of you lying on the floor, kicking and screaming because you can’t have ice cream for breakfast. I know I am the worst mother in the world. But, guess what? I don’t care two’s. You can kick and scream all you want but I always win on this one. You would think you would have learned your lesson seeing that I have never let you have your way on this one. Who’s the smarter one now two’s?

But, I will admit, you have gotten the best of me on more than one occasion. Thanks to you, I have become a pro at steering a shopping cart full of groceries with one hand, while holding your nasty self with my other hand. I know, sitting in a cart being wheeled around and not having to do a thing is barbaric. I can’t even imagine what I would do. Oh wait, yes I do…I would chill the fudge out and enjoy the ride. But not you two’s, not you.

Last, but certainly not least, I LOVE how you sit so well in your car seat and never fight me when it is time to buckle up. It’s not like we have appointments or places to go. I have all day long to wait until you feel like sitting down and buckling. So annoying two’s, so annoying.

So, you may have won a few rounds thus far, but I’m onto your game two’s and I’m ready for the ride. I’ve got my wine, my Starbucks and my Adam Levine on “The Voice” to get me through and keep my sanity. You can kick and scream all you want, but this momma isn’t buying what you’re selling.

The Mothership

p.s. I’m counting down until the “Terrific Three’s” come along…lol

I Just Wanna Be a Grown Up

Child: “Mom, I just wanna be a grown up.”

Me: “No, you don’t. You really don’t.”

So, that was the beginning of a conversation I recently had with my four year-old daughter. Why is it that kids always want to grow up so fast? I can remember wanting to be “big” when I was little too. It must just be one of those things. After my daughter proclaimed her desire for wanting to be an adult, she quickly changed her mind…thanks to me.

It’s probably because I scared the Elmo out of her when I went on to ask her if she wanted to make her own food, clean her own clothes, clean the house, etc. She looked at me as if I were I visitor from the planet “crazy”. She quickly said no and then told me she didn’t want to be a grown up anymore. I told her that was a good idea and to stay a kid as long as she could. That statement is going to come back and bite me when she’s 27 and still living at home.

Anyway, I think she got my point. There are days when I wish I wasn’t a grown up. I wish my most important decision of the day was to either play with blocks or Barbies or whether to have chicken nuggets or grilled cheese for lunch. I wish people would still fix my food and provide for my every need without asking because it was their job.

Looking back now, I wish I could go back to the days when I didn’t know the meaning of the words mortgage, co-pays, deductibles or escrow. I wish I could still be as innocent as to think ALF could actually crash into my house and live with me because that be super cool. But instead, I’m an adult who worries about everything under the sun (bad genetic trait!) and sometimes wishes I could still be that kid with Punky Brewster sneakers.

So, I will continue to tell my kids to just be kids and enjoy their little pint sized lives where finger paints are a reward for good behavior.

I will continue to try to keep them as innocent as possible for as long as possible because as I get older I am truly realizing time does fly. I know its cliché, but we all know it’s true and it’s okay to admit it.

I will continue to tell them “I love you to the moon and back” and to give me my morning hugs. I gave them life. The least they can do is repay me in hugs.

And when they continue to tell me they just wanna be a grown up, I will continue to tell them they really don’t. Why? Because I’m the grown up and that’s my job.