POST CATEGORY : Mommy Issues

I Need a Clone

The day is almost over. The kids have finally drifted off to sleep. There is peace in the valley. Finally. But before you can exhale, there are dishes that need to be put in the dishwasher and a mountain of clothes on the bed you need to put away, that is unless you want to be sleeping with your shirts and underwear, which really isn’t an entirely horrible idea at this point. There are checks that need to be written out and perhaps a lunch or two that needs to be packed. If you didn’t already realize it, you need a clone to get all this done before you absolutely collapse. You could have another cup of coffee to get you through, but even that won’t do the trick. You need a clone. Period.

Although your significant other may argue that one of you is plenty to go around, you know it isn’t. There are just not enough hours in the day to accomplish everything on that ambitious “to-do” list you made for yourself. You thought that list was a great idea, but now you’re frustrated that not everything has gotten done. But, oh, if you had a clone,  she could do all those crappy chores and you would have time to enjoy the good stuff like seven DVR’d episodes of “The Young & The Restless”, but I digress.

That clone would also come in handy if you had two children who decided to wake up at the same time in the middle of the night and refused to go with their father. Not that I would have any idea what that feels like. But if there were two Mommys, each kid could have one, which would also ease up on the sleep deprivation. But again, I would have no idea what that would feel like!

Sometimes, a clone seems like the only logical solution to the problem so many of us face. By the time you’ve kinda finished everything you have to do, you’re just too tired to enjoy yourself. Ugh!

Okay, so I know I’m not getting a clone (and I’m sure my husband is happy about that one). In the meantime I’ll be sleeping with my clothes until I can cross that off my “to-do” list. There are diapers that need to be changed and little mouths that need to be fed..so ciao ciao for now!

Yes, I Am Mom Enough

   I know I’m late to the latest mommy wars battle royale, but I was too busy being “mom enough” to my two little girls to carve out some quality time with my laptop without passing out on the keyboard. If you haven’t seen or heard about the cover of “Time” magazine which shows a woman breastfeeding her three year old son, then you must have been under a rock for the past week. The cover article talks about “attachment parenting” which supports things like co-sleeping and long term breastfeeding.

  First and foremost, I have to say if things like breastfeeding your child past their first birthday and letting them sleep with you works for you, then great for you. But, slapping a headline “Are You Mom Enough?” to an image of a woman breastfeeding a kid with a full set of chompers really irks me. As a Mom, I already feel pressured to be some type of sleep deprived multi-tasking superhero who can still look semi-decent 24/7.  I don’t need someone to suggest that I need to carry my kid in sling and breastfeed her when she’s old enough to down a T-bone in order to be classified as a good mother. As you may be able to guess, I don’t co-sleep with  my kids (at least not voluntarily) and I’m not into breastfeeding once my kids break that first tooth. Just not going to do it. Period. 

  With all that said, I think I’m a pretty darn good mother and so are millions of other women out there. My children are loved, fed, and well taken care of. Both my kids had breast milk and formula. They are fine. I’ve never carried them in a sling. They are fine. My children sleep by themselves, except of course when my oldest gets out of bed and climbs into mine. Does she sleep with us sometimes? Yes. Is it annoying? Yes. Do we try to get her back to her be? You betcha. But, they are both fine.

   I don’t think women need to be pressured to conform to a certain type of parenting to be considered “mom enough.” What works for you and your family, may not work for me and and mine, and vice versa. I think when we start labeling parenting “styles”, we get off course. We all want the same thing in the end…to have happy and healthy children. If you want that and strive for that everyday, you’re “mom enough” in my book.

Help! I Don’t Wanna Dress Like a Mommy

   Okay, so with Spring here, I decided to venture out and do some shopping for the season. See, I’ve been pregnant two out of the four past Springs/Summers and really don’t have much that isn’t a) fit for a hippopotamus or b) out of style. Armed with my thirty percent Kohl’s discount and some gift cards, I was pumped and so ready to get out of my t-shirt and yoga pants, no matter how comfy they are.

   Yeah, just one problem…where do I start? There were some fun tanks with sequins. Nope, too dressy for spit-up and poop, although they’d make me look hot. What about the Dockers collection? Try, not on your life for $100, Alex. Nope, just can’t do it. Oooh…look at the fun party dresses. They’re really cute. But, where am I going to wear those? To my daughter’s tea parties? Nope and too gosh darn bad, because they’re really pretty.

   Don’t look over there. Don’t you dare. New T-shirts!! Nope, promised I wouldn’t do it. But, what about the patterned tanks? Hmmm…They say fun and casual, without going crazy. They’ll probably get spit on, but oh well. We’ll get two. We’re making some progress. What now? Jeans? There are some really cute ones, but they may give me a muffin top. And oh no, there are the “mom jeans”. Ahh…flashback to a couple of weeks ago where I saw a woman with those on and some white leather Reebok to top it off. Put me on a sit and spin with pine needles. Won’t do it. But, what the heck am I supposed to wear to go do errands, go on play dates, and hang out in the house? T-shirt and yoga pants, right? I mean the pants do make my butt look good. But, I gotta get out of the slump, ya know?

   Okay, so I compromised with some shirts that have some cute ruffles for the days I do errands. I picked up the patterned tanks for the days we hang out and do play dates…they do look fab under my little hoodies and will be great in the summer. I decided to wait a while for some new bottoms. Maybe I can shrink the muffin top to just a munchkin. The good news… no more yoga pants or plain t-shirts ended up in my car as tempting as it was. The bad news…no really cool clothes found a new home in my closet either. So, I was kinda bummed about that one. I swear they need to have a section called “you’re no longer in maternity clothes woman, this is what ladies wear today.” Yeah, I know I’m dreaming. Until that happens I just know I don’t want to dress like a mommy!
  

Ciao Ciao Mr. Clean!

   Do you hear that? Those are the dishes in the sink that are screaming to be washed. Ooh..hear that too? Those are the clothes that just want to jump out of the hamper and into the washing machine. Yep, those are just some of the chronic chores that really try to put a dent in my day sometimes. If you know me, you know I am a neat freak with a tinge of OCD mixed in. But, ever since I had kids, I’ve had to let a lot of that go. I’ve come to accept that my house will never be what it was before the kids came along. That’s painfully evident in the new storage ottoman we bought to replace the glass coffee table. Sigh.

   With the house getting messier by the minute, you would think I would be cleaning 24/7. Although there are some days I wish I could just ship the kids out, crank up my Bon Jovi CD and curl up with Mr. Clean, many times I don’t get a chance to lift a finger until they go to sleep, which in my house can be 11 o’clock, but that’s a different topic for a different blog! So what am I doing with all my time you ask? Am I watching what soap operas are left on TV and eating bon bons (how stereotypical, I know)? Am I playing angry birds or words with friends? Nope. I’m trying to spend as much quality time with the girls as possible. Many days that means putting everyday chores aside for the time being and giving them my full attention.

   As a mom, it’s hard to find the perfect balance between obligations, chores, fun, and parenting. If anyone has found it, please clue me in! I think a lot of women, myself included, think we have to have the perfect house with everything in its place. We have to meet all our obligations and wear ten-thousand hats. Why can’t we just be moms and let the rest just fall into place? Why can’t we spend all day reading and playing with our kids and let all that other stuff just wait? Is that so bad? This is not to say you should let your house look like the ones on “Hoarders”, but you don’t need to have the Good Housekeeping seal of approval either.

   If my older daughter wants me to read a book I’m not going to say no just because there are dishes piling up in the sink. The dishes will be there, unless the maid comes and does them. Just kidding. I am the maid. If you push your kid aside, they might not be there the next time around. So, here’s to letting Mr. Clean find a new BFF! Read a book to your kids or take them to the park. Then once they go to bed, reward yourself by raising a glass to being a good mom. Just make sure you don’t leave it in the sink!

Maternity Leave…What’s Fair?

   A woman spends nine months carrying a child. It’s safe to say many women don’t get that much time to stay home and bond with their baby once he or she is born. I’ve talked to a lot of women who have had to go back to work after just six weeks home. Six weeks…seriously? That’s ridiculous. Let me break it down for you the way I see it. During the first two weeks after birth, your body is so beat up from being pregnant and labor that you can just about function. Add the duties of mothering a newborn and you’re just a hot mess looking for your next caffeine hit. So, that leaves four weeks to bond with your baby. The only bonding you’re doing is with their diapers and spit up. During the first month babies basically eat, sleep, and poop. It’s not until they reach that three month mark that they become more interactive. That’s not to say you can’t bond with them before then, but all the fun stuff happens later…just in time for you to go back to work. Other women I’ve talked to are lucky enough to get around 12 weeks off under the Family and Medical Leave Act, but don’t get paid for the entire time. That leaves many to deal with the tough choice of losing money or losing time with their child. As many people struggle to earn a buck, many have to choose cash over their child if they want to keep a roof over their heads.
   That is a sad scenario for such a world leader as the United States. I was reading that the U.S. and Australia are the only industrialized countries that don’t give moms paid leave nationally. Some states have different rules though. One article I read talked about a woman in Canada who got 14 months of paid maternity leave! That’s amazing and something that I think will never happen here in the good old  U-S of A. The article also talked about a couple in Sweden who was splitting 16 months of what they call parental leave at 80% pay. And”Czech” this out….I read that in the Czech Republic all mothers can decide to take 2, 3, or 4 years of maternity leave! The state supports them during that time period. That would never fly in the U.S. There are also other countries that have generous maternity leave policies. Wikipedia actually breaks it down in a nice chart. Here’s the link if you want to check it out.
   So, where did the U.S. drop the ball? Do we not value a mother or father’s time with their child? Would the children in this country end up better if they had more time with their parents before being shipped off to daycare or some other caregiver? No one truly knows, but here’s my two cents. No one is going to love or take care of a child like a parent, unless of course they are abusing them or on drugs or something. No one is going to instill the values you want your child to have better than you. Unfortunately, we live in a country where things like that are not valued (then we wonder why some kids have so many problems and are so screwed up). If we did, more women would have access to paid maternity leave to give them time to bond with their children when they are most vulnerable.
   I know some women who would cringe at the idea of two or three years maternity leave. Some women just itch to get back to work because staying at home just isn’t for them. But, they should have that option. Right now so many women don’t have the choice to take the time off or leave it and to me that is just not fair.

Finding Mom-ME-Time

    Every expectant mother hears it…”just wait until that baby comes, your life is going to change, forget about having any time for yourself.” Yes, your life does change. Yes, your free time is severely restricted, but does it mean you have absolutely NO time for yourself and your previous passions in life? It doesn’t have to, but a lot of times it ends up that way. You just have to learn how to put the “me” back in mommy.
   First let’s clarify..”Me” time is not doing the dishes or tidying up the house. At times, that’s what it ends up being. “Me” time is reading a book, catching up on a hobby, meeting up with friends….whatever make you happy.

   I will be the first to admit, when my daughter was first born I longed to get out by myself, but once I was out, I turned into a guilty worry wart. I constantly wondered what she was doing, if she was crying, if she was eating, if she missed me. Truth be told, most times she could care less! Yes she was fed, yes she cried a bit, but many times she didn’t even realize I was gone!
  She wasn’t taking my mom-ME-time away, I was, along with the help of my crazy runaway train of thoughts and guilt. Taking a trip to the store, or the gym, or even, wait for it…a trip to the spa ( I know craziness) is not going to ruin your child’s life or make you the worst mother of the year. It’s taken me nearly two years to realize that, but I’ve finally seen the light. I’ve also learned that if you have people you can ask to babysit or if your spouse or someone else offers to take care of your child so you can get some “me” time, take them up on it! There’s gonna be a day when no one will offer! Don’t get me wrong, I do still feel a tinge of guilt when I leave her to do my thing, but once I’m out I’m now able to enjoy myself. I also find when I get back I am refreshed and in turn feel like I can a better mother because I’m not so stressed out and am not acting like such a female dog, if you know what I mean.
  It seems like men have no problem finding “me” time. Maybe I’m wrong, but if they want to go out and do something, they just do it. They don’t seem to feel guilty. Maybe we all need to take a page out of their book.
 Now…time to go make that manicure appointment! 

Guilt of a Working Mom

   Merriam-Webster defines guilt as a feeling of culpability for offenses. This week I define guilt as a quivering lip and watery eyes of a sick child you leave as you head out the door to work as well as the utterly crappy feeling you have as you sit at your desk. At the first sniffle or cough, I will be the first one to call out sick and take care of my daughter. Unfortunately, the year got off to a rough start for my family health-wise, so I’ve used the majority of my sick time within just the first three months of the year. That’s lead me to ration the remainder of my days and feel like the worst mother of the year in the process. Even though I know she’s in Grandma’s loving arms while I’m at work, I still feel like I should be the one home with her.
   When I was growing up, I can’t remember a time when my mom didn’t stay home with me when I was sick. But, as we all know times were different thirty plus years ago. Moms have it tough today when it comes to the work-home balance. It’s an age-old debate, should moms stay at home or work? Can they do both successfully? Dr. Phil and Oprah have tried to dissect this issue like a high school lab rat, and even they can’t find the right answer! I can’t speak for the stay-at-home moms, but as a working mom, I can tell you there are days when it just plain old sucks, especially when your kid is sick. Some may say, it”s easy, just stay home.
Sometimes you can’t and other times you put so much pressure on yourself you feel like you can’t. I think the later is worse. Sometimes you worry about what your employer or co-workers will think.  Those without kids may think, oh here she goes again taking another day off. Any parent with a sick kid will tell you, it’s not a “day off”. A day off is a day at the spa, not cleaning up snot or poop and trying to translate what your crying child needs at every second. But,it comes with the territory.
   I think the guilt trip we put ourselves through as mothers is far worse than anything anyone else will do to us. At times, we try to be all things to all people and get wound up with obligations and what we think we should do. We forget to listen to our hearts and do what’s best for us. I know you would find me guilty of this one. Sometimes you just have to put down your keys and follow your heart and that runny nose for a day or two. But, sometimes following your heart isn’t so easy. What’s your take on it all?