Why do Kids Hate to Wipe Their Own Butts?

Why do kids hate to wipe their own butts? As a mom, I know cleaning butts comes with the territory. I’ve handled many diaper changes and blow outs as I’m sure you all have too. But, at what age do you have to pass the toilet paper torch down to your child? There comes a point when they have to start taking responsibility for their own butts, both figuratively and literally. Right?

I honestly thought that would happen in my house when my kids started going to full-time Kindergarten. Teachers certainly aren’t going to do it. That’s not part of the curriculum. So, kids have to take matters into their own hands, so to speak.  But, my kids have not.

I should have known that the whole “wipe your butt at school” thing wasn’t going to work when my now 7-year-old daughter was horrified at the idea of pooping at school. When I told her that those school tacos may have her running for the border she vowed never to poop in school. Two years later, she’s kept her word. Needless to say, she still isn’t volunteering for the clean-up committee. At home, I get the dreaded, “I’m done” call which means come and clean my butt.  Before I say a big hello to King Charmin, I do tell her to do it herself. The look of disgust I get is incredible. I can see in her eyes what she’s thinking.

You want me to clean my own butt? You must have had too much wine mommy. That will never happen silly lady. Now clean my butt!

To avoid a major craptastrophe, I oblige for the one-hundredth time in my mommy career.

Her little sister isn’t much better. But, I can cut her a little more slack since she just turned five. We also had the “you’re going to have to clean your butt at school talk” too this past summer. She wasn’t buying it either. She also took a solemn pledge to the poopy gods to never go number two at school. Just like her sister, she’s kept her word. Sigh.

But, I may get a bit of a reprieve with number 2…child number 2 that is. Although I still get the dreaded “I’m done” calls, she has actually taken the plunge a few times and cleaned her own butt at home. Was she mortified? Absolutely. Did she do it? Yes! Does she do it regularly? Nope. Sigh.

What baffles my mind about it all of this is that kids will play in mounds of dirt and grime for hours. They will spill all kinds of things over their clothes and fight you not to change them. They’ll sit in wet sand at the beach all day totally unbothered by chunks of sand getting in places they should never be. But, ask them to clean their own butts, even with a mummified hand of toilet paper, and you are asking way too much!

The only solace I find in this whole ordeal is that I know I’m not alone. I’ve talked to plenty of other moms who are battling the same problem. I know there are those of you out there who swear your kids have been wiping their own butts since they were potty trained. Talk all you want. I know you’re lying. There’s no shame in it. Hop on the wiping wagon and just admit you still have to do it like the rest of us.

I don’t know how much longer I’ll have to fight the good wipe. Hopefully my tour of duty will be over soon. For now I’ll just take it one toilet paper roll at a time.

I Pooped My Nemo

Potty training. It really is one of the most annoying things about having a toddler. You desperately want them out of diapers especially when they poop worse than you do. No one likes cleaning that. No one. You desperately want to ditch the diaper bag you’ve been lugging around for more than two years and exchange it for one the pocket books that’s been collecting dust in your closet. Hell, maybe even treat yourself and buy a new bag. You deserve it.

Instead, you spend your days trying to tell your little one that there are no more Pull-Ups in the house even though she knows they are hiding in your bag. You try to tell her no one else in the house wears diapers. You try to show her how cute it is to have Dora or the Disney Princesses all over her little butt. She’s not buying it. Nothing much seems to work.

If you haven’t been able to tell, I’m the middle of potty training my younger daughter. As much as I thought it was going to be a breeze, I was wrong. The potty seemed to be her BFF for a short time. She went to pee every now and again and thought it was great. Now, not so much. I tried letting her pee in her underwear. She got wet, got changed, and moved on with her day. It didn’t faze her. That is until she had to poop.

One day when she was in the playroom, I hear my older daughter yell that her sister pooped in her underwear. It doesn’t get much worse than that from the whole cleaning up perspective. As I walked in, I hear my pooper say, “Mommy, I pooped my Nemo.” You see, she was wearing underwear with Nemo all over it. Well, now Nemo wasn’t so pretty. She pooped for sure. After I cleaned her up, I told her not to poop on Nemo anymore. It’s so 2013.

To this day, Nemo has managed to stay clean. Instead, she takes off her underwear and grabs a Pull-Up. She does her business in her Pull-Up and then tells me she pooped. Couldn’t you have just gone in the potty instead? I. Don’t. Get. It.

Anyway, that’s where we are. The pediatrician says not to push it. She says it will click one day. I know she’s right, because that’s what happened with my first. I’m just sick of cleaning diapers and paying for them! For now, our goal is to keep Nemo, Dora, and all the other characters poop free.

Potty Pride

As a mom, so many little things are big things. First steps, first words, and of course, first pee pee in the potty. But, it’s also hard to be there for each and every milestone because kids always tend to do things when we are not around. It’s just the way it is. With my first daughter, I caught the first step (at least as far as I know). I think I was around for the first word…of course it was “Daddy”. But, I remember missing the first potty encounter.

She did it at mother-in-law’s house. I remember my husband calling me at work and telling me. I also remember being upset that I missed it. Imagine, being upset over pee in a potty! Just paint a big “L” on my forehead. These are the things that happen when you become a mother, I guess. I actually got a little misty as I told a co-worker. He giggled a little, but said he understood. I felt so horrible that I missed a milestone! She could care less, I’m sure. But, to me it was a big deal.

Fast forward a couple of years…I’m making eggs in the kitchen, the girls are playing in the living room. My little one strips down to her birthday suit…her sister makes sure I know about it. She runs around naked. I’m trying to finish cooking the damn eggs so I can put a diaper on her. The eggs are done. She’s standing in the hallway…naked.

“Let’s get a diaper on you,” I say. “Pee, pee,” she says. I immediately look down at the floor, assuming I now have a puddle to clean up. Nope, dry floor. “Pee, pee!” she tells me again. So, I carry her and put her on the potty. I figure it’s worth a try. Trickle, Trickle…score! We have our first pee pee in the potty! I clapped for her and made a big deal like we just hit the lotto. She was happy too, clapping and smiling on the toilet. Her older sister came in and was clapping for her too. I was there for this one. Score one for mom!

Like I said, this may sound silly to some, but I was so happy I was around for this milestone. As a stay-at-home/work-at-home mom, you sometimes only have a bag of dirty diapers and a perfectly colored picture of Elmo to show at the end of the day. You often ask yourself what you did all day. The house is still a mess, the same amount of money is in the bank. You feel like you have nothing to show for the day, although deep down you know you did a hell of a lot. So, days like this when I can be around to catch a milestone, mean a lot. I’ll take this one to the memory bank.

The Wheels On the Car Go Round & Round…Until Someone Has to Pee

   If you have kids, you know vacations ain’t what they used to be. You can say goodbye to sleeping until a decent hour. A child’s body clock has no respect for the fact that you are on vacation. Accept it and move on. Forget about romantic, candlelight dinners that don’t include chicken nuggets and crayons. It’s not happening unless you have a sitter with you. Your table for two is now set for at least three. There’s no turning back now. Whether you travel by train, plane, or automobile, fasten your seat belts, it could be a bumpy ride!

   Seeing that I only have experienced travelling with kids by car, that’s what I’m going to talk about here.We recently went on a road trip with our two kids and a family with two kids of their own…all in one vehicle. Yes, I know, some of you may think we’re crazy, and maybe we are! In case you’re hitting the roadways this summer, here are some tips I picked up that could help make your ride a smoother one. Here we go…

1. Travel during the night when the kids are usually sleeping
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT travel during daylight hours. Even if you have to hook up a caffeine IV to your steering wheel, it is well worth travelling at night .

2. No matter how many videos you bring for that damn DVD player, it’s never enough
You’ll be watching Barney’s adventure until your face turns purple and Dora will still be exploring. Trust me.

3. If you buy a Happy Meal for one child in the car, buy one for all
Don’t worry if they won’t eat the apples or if the toy is stupid. Failing to do so will make an unhappy meal for all.

4. Children will have to pee every five miles even if they’ve had nothing to drink for an hour
They must be hardwired to do so. I really have no other explanation.

5. If you have a baby, he or she will pick your super long car ride to decide to poop like an adult
It won’t be pretty. Enough said.

6. You can not breastfeed your baby while he or she is in the car seat
Your body is not made that way and if it were you would be on the next Jerry Springer show.

7. Your car will look like it belongs on “Hoarders”
It will be packed with all kinds of crap. There will be crumbs and toys on the floor and the seat. There are also bound to be spots from some kind of spilled junk. That’s why there are car washes.

8. If you need gas and the kids are sleeping, ride it on “E” for as long as you can
There is a 100 percent chance one, if not all, will wake up pissed off once the vehicle comes to a stop.
Pretend you are Kramer from “Seinfeld” and you’re in that episode where he rides as long as he can without getting gas.

9. You will hear your name non-stop.
Don’t plan on relaxing or reading a book. It’s just not going to happen.

10. You will make some great memories.
Trust me here. After all is said and done, it really is a lot of fun ,despite the bumps in the road.

Happy Trails!

The Good, The Bad, and The Potty

   A few months back I wrote about the trials of potty training my oldest daughter. A few accidents and several loads of laundry later, I am happy to say ciao ciao to the diapers and hello to our new BFF Mrs. Potty. That’s the good part, along with saving a few bucks each month. But, before I toilet paper the bathroom in celebration, I have to admit sometimes it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. I know, I know, I’m never happy.

   Here’s the bad part. I can now say I’ve been to just about every bathroom just about everywhere you can think of. Stores, restaurants, even hospitals. If I’m having a really good day, I get to see them a few times during each visit. I know, don’t be jealous. One time while we were eating out, I heard “mommy, pee pee”, a total of four times. I spent more time in the bathroom than at the table! Two of those times were false alarms though. Nevertheless, you can never be so sure. Another time we were at a place where the bathrooms were up a narrow hallway. After our third trip, I told her to just go in her pull-up. I know, I know, bad mommy. But, she wouldn’t. Good girl, I guess. Needless to say that was my workout for the day.

   Our new thing though is to go into a public bathroom, check out the toilet, and then shake our head in disgust and walk out. I can’t really tell if she had to go in the first place or is writing a book about the best and worst toilets. I hope she’s not on a path of becoming one of those people who can only go to the bathroom at home. Boy will we be in trouble!

   It really is a love-hate relationship with the good old potty. She loves it and sometimes I hate to take her. But, there’s no turning back now.

Potty Training is Going Down the Toilet

   I never thought getting someone to do their business in the potty would be hard. I always heard how difficult potty training can be but I always thought parents were exaggerating. Nope, they weren’t. It’s hard, yep, and frustrating might I add. My master plan was to have my two and a half year old potty trained by Christmas. Go ahead and laugh. Santa Claus has left the building and we are not potty trained.

  My daughter actually did her first deed in the potty months ago at her grandmother’s house. I remember my husband called me at work and told me. I actually was sad that I missed this “first”. It may sound silly, but it was a milestone to me and I missed it, but I digress. I thought after that it would only be a few short weeks before we ditched the Pampers. I was wrong. During the weeks and months following, she has made progress. But, we are still mainly on diaper duty. She does go on her “princess potty” on occasion. The thing plays music after you go, which she seems to love. I’ve told her to tell mommy before you have to go pee pee or poo poo. She tells me after the fact. Baby steps, I guess.

  In my quest to have just one child in diapers in 2012, I’ve followed the advice of so many potty training warriors before me and invested in Pull Ups. Our pediatrician told us they really don’t work, but I bought them anyway. My daughter already knew how to pull up her pants before I introduced her to this marvelous creation. When I first showed them to her, she was probably thinking, “duh, mommy, I’m not stupid, I mastered this awhile ago.” We’ve been doing the Pull Up thing since October and we are still on the local train to becoming potty trained. There are days when the potty is her buddy, and other days when it is public enemy number one. Did I think she would magically put on a Pull Up and decide to go in the potty each and every time? No. But, I did think it would speed up the process more than it has. I know they are supposed to make kids feel like they have real underwear on as they pull them up and down, but what other purpose do they serve? So,yes, sorry to say,Pull Ups have let me down. I just don’t get how they help a kid get potty trained.

   So, what’s next? I’ve decided to go hardcore. That means introducing her to”big girl” underpants. I’ve actually started it today because I knew we were going to be home for the duration. I put on some old pants, and am keeping her away from the couch and my new ottoman as much as I can.Crazy? Maybe. Messy?Definitely. I’ve already cleaned up one puddle. But, a mom’s got to do, what a mom’s got to do. Hopefully by experiencing what it really feels like to wet yourself, the potty will really become her BFF. Hopefully.