POST CATEGORY : Mommy Laughs

She’s the Town Crier

It’s no secret that my three and a-half year old loves to talk. I wonder where she gets that from?Anyway, she just doesn’t tell you what she’s doing or what project she might have made at school. She loves to tell my business. That’s why I now call her The Town Crier.

Most times, I don’t mind. But there are times when I don’t want people to know that I went to Target for the third time in a week or that we had to rush to Sam’s Club because I had no more diapers in the house although I could have sworn I bought another pack. There’s also the times when she lets people know I took her to McDonald’s for lunch and let her have a soda. I love the looks I get for that one.

From what I made or may not have made her for dinner to what we did all day, she makes sure everyone knows what we’re up to. She’s also makes sure everyone knows what I’m talking about on the phone. I resorted to talking in code or spelling things, but now she’s on to me. Those little ears know too much sometimes.

If you want someone to know something, just tell her. Right before Mother’s Day, my husband took her and her sister shopping. He made the mistake of letting her see where he hid my present. When I came home, she pointed to a high cabinet in the kitchen and said (in the cutest voice), “Mommy,there’s a present in there for you.” I started laughing. My husband just stared at her and reminded her she wasn’t supposed to tell.

She even tells on her sister. I don’t have to worry if the little one is doing something wrong, because she’ll let me know. I think this is going to get her in trouble one of these days. But for now, she’s my little town crier.

What Do I Want for Mother’s Day?

Sometimes Mother’s Day is kinda like Christmas. There’s so much hype about it, and at times the reality doesn’t live up to all the expectations. Sometimes Santa doesn’t fill your wish list, whether it’s December or May.

So, what are the big Mother’s Day gifts? Flowers, candy, jewelry…they’re alright, but do I really want them for Mother’s Day? Honestly, no…especially not the candy. Swimsuit season is practically here and a pound of truffles is not going to help the cause. Flowers…well, I guess they aren’t bad, but they’re going to die in a week anyway.  Jewelry…it’s pretty, don’t get me wrong, but I’m not diggin it this year. So, what’s left?

There are loads of other “Mom” gifts that all the stores are trying to pawn off on all the men looking for that “perfect” gift. But, I don’t see any of those stores wrapping a big bow around a box of “peace and quiet”, “I’m not doing s***t today”, and “Can everyone just STFU today”, do you? They also seem to be forgetting “nap in a box”.  Those, my friends, would be great! But no, instead, we are brainwashed to believe that a bracelet and a dozen of roses would be oh so much better.

I know a lot of you out there would love some flowers, candy, or jewelry, and that’s just fine with me. But, you can’t honestly say you wouldn’t enjoy a day where the kids didn’t scream, a day when you didn’t accidentally stick your finger in poop because your daughter moved faster than you could move the diaper, or even a day when you didn’t have to ask your significant other to unload the dishwasher (the dishes don’t magically walk themselves back into the cabinet, contrary to popular belief).

I think when it comes to Mother’s Day, actions speak louder than gifts. Showing a momma she’s appreciated, or God forbid, actually speaking the words, can actually get you a lot further. Women dig that stuff, trust me.

Okay, so what’s on your Mother’s Day wish list? What’s on mine? Honestly, I just want to have a nice drama free day with the people I love, and I’m not just saying that. If some gifts come my way, so be it. If not, I’m good. I’ll just be steering clear of the poop and the dishwasher.

Sleep Training Bootcamp: The Sequel

When it comes to movies, the sequels are never usually ever as good as the originals. In my case, that’s not true. In my house “Sleep Training Bootcamp, Part II” well surpasses part one. If you follow my posts, you remember back in October when I talked about trying to get my youngest daughter to sleep through the night. At that point she was just one year old and had pretty much woke up at least two to three times every night of her little life. To avoid waking up her big sister, my husband or I (really, mostly me) would go in her room to try to get the little beast, I mean angel, to go back to sleep. That meant mommy was one cranky beast herself.

Of course the pediatrician advised to let her cry it out. I unwillingly went along with the plan. I felt like such a bad mommy not coming to her rescue. To my surprise it worked…for awhile. I really thought we were on the road to sweet dreams. But really, it was just a tease. Her shenanigans started up again pretty quickly due to a monster called Hurricane Sandy. That female dog ruined any little pattern I tried to get off the ground. We lost power for a few days and had to stay elsewhere. Try getting a kid to adapt to a routine in an unfamiliar place! Once we were back home, she got a cold. What kind of monster mom would I be if I let her howl while she was sick? So, I did what any pushover mom would do, I started picking her up again…and again…and again…for the next three months.

Now, we’re at her fifteen month check-up and I’m at my wits end. Once again, I had the same talk with the pediatrician. She pretty much told me I was screwed if I didn’t let her cry it out. So I did. The first couple of nights she did just that…cry it out…for more than one hour. But then, something magical happened, she laid back down and went back to sleep…on her own. The next night, same thing, but the symphony lasted a mere 45 minutes. Holy mother of Pampers I think we’re on to something! Fast forward a few more nights and her greatest hits were down to about ten minutes. I could almost predict the pattern..same time, same place, same routine, but better. She actually falls asleep on her own now consistently without me having to get up!

Granted, there are still those nights when I do need to get up because she’s woken up her sister, or the whole neighborhood (just kidding), but for the most part this is working so much better the second time around. No more waking up three or four times a night! Thank goodness because the bags under my eyes were getting too heavy! Sweet dreams, night night:)

Bye Bye, I Don’t Like You, Go Away

You’ve heard it before, “kids say the darnedest things.” But, you really don’t live it until you actual have children of your own. Lately, I’ve had a laundry list of things my three year-old is just busting out with. Sometimes they are funny, sometimes embarrassing, and other times they are just downright rude to the point that I wish she was still in utero.

Just this morning, she told me she was going to have a birthday party for her doll fully equipped with cake, party hats, and wine. I almost spit out my coffee! I asked wine, you’re going to have wine at your party? She looked at me as if I was the one who said something crazy. She simply said yes and then went on to ask if I like wine. Well, duh! That’s like asking a squirrel if he likes nuts. Then there’s the conversation about show and tell where she told me she wanted to bring her sister as her toy. As cute as that would be, I had to say no. After going through a few things in her playroom, she settled on her “Furr Real” pet dog. We’ll see how that goes.

As far as embarrassing goes, well, kids are always saying something that could fall under that category. My daughter will talk about her poop and boogers like any other child. And as I’ve told you all before, she enjoys calling people farm animals. Yes, I am still “Mommy Cow.”

Her latest phrase falls under embarrassing, as well as downright rude. With her little Minnie Mouse voice and angelic eyes she’ll say goodbye to you in one breath and then in the next she’ll tell you she doesn’t like you and to go away…still in her sweet and innocent voice…and then laugh. I don’t know where on earth she picked that up, but it’s getting annoying. She even said it to the priest! After saying goodbye to him, we walked away and she said it! Luckily we were far enough away that he didn’t hear. Granted there are times when I want to tell people to go away because I don’t like them, but I don’t do it. At least not so they can hear it! I’m really hoping this is a phase. I really want to tell her to say bye bye to this little saying because mommy doesn’t like it and wishes it would go away! Stay tuned!

If My Kids Could Make Resolutions…

The Christmas trees are coming down, the presents have either been put away or returned or put into that “special” pile of crap that you don’t know what you’re ever going to do with. You’ve watched the ball drop at Times Square and have done the annual countdown to the New Year. So, guess what time it is? Yes, it’s time to make those resolutions. You know, the time of year when you pledge to be more organized, exercise more, eat better, be a better person, blah blah blah. But, what if your kids could make resolutions? What would they be? Well, since they don’t quite grasp the concept, I’m going to do it for them.

Here goes. If my three-year-old could make some resolutions, I would hope it would be to fall asleep earlier. I envy people who are able to put their kids to sleep at eight o’clock and claim they sleep for twelve hours straight with no interruptions. I want proof. I would also like for her to eat breakfast willingly without me having to make threats to her TV time and toys. Abby Cadabby and Dora’s lives have been put at risk one too many times. I would also like for her to stop calling people animals and stop telling people she doesn’t like them. It is annoying.

As for my one-year-old, I think she should try to sleep through the night without waking up and screaming as though she is possessed. Sleep training was working, but then we fell off the wagon, and we are back where we started. I also think she should resolve to change her own diapers. That would awesome. It would also be great if she would learn to share and not hit her sister. I know, a mom can dream. Another great resolution for her would be to learn how to ween off the boob. Mom is getting tired and it is getting old. I am not a human pacifier.

Now that I’ve made my children’s resolutions, you may be wondering if I’ve made any of my own. Even if you’re not wondering, I’ll share anyway. Mine fall under the blah, blah, blah, category for the most part…exercise more, eat better, and try not to sweat the small stuff. I’m also going to try not to complain so much about dumb things. It’s just hard when you’re sleep deprived and feel torn in five thousand directions. We’ll see if I can stick to these things and if I can get my children to comply with the resolutions I’ve made for them. Happy 2013 folks, let’s hope it’s a good one!

The 12 Days of Christmas…2012 Style

   It’s a holiday classic…the 12 days of Christmas. We all know what our true love gave to us according to that song. But really, what modern mom really wants any of those things on that dated list? Okay, maybe we’d still take the five gold rings. I surely don’t need eleven lords a leaping or a partridge in a pear tree, especially if its Danny Bonaduce… talk about useless gifts. French hens, and geese…just more things to clean up after. Twelve drummers drumming? Nope, that just equals more noise.

   Seeing that the old list is completely useless and impractical, I came up with my own little version that my husband and children could give to me this year. Some of these things are probably on your list too. Hope you like it! Feel free to sing it or add in the background track.

On the first day of Christmas, my family gave to me, one day at the spa.

On the second day of Christmas, my family gave to me, 2 mani pedis, and one day at the spa.

On the third day of Christmas, my family gave to me, 3 glasses of Pinot, 2 mani pedis, and one day at the spa.

On the fourth day of Christmas, my family gave to me, 4 hours of silence, 3 glasses of Pinot, 2 mani pedis, and one day at the spa.

On the fifth day of Christmas, my family gave to me, 5 nights of sleep, 4 hours of silence, 3 glasses of Pinot, 2 mani pedis, and one day at the spa.

On the sixth day of Christmas, my family gave to me, 6 long hot showers, 5 nights of sleep, 4 hours of silence, 3 glasses of Pinot, 2 mani pedis, and one day at the spa.

On the seventh day of Christmas, my family gave to me 7 movies to watch, 6 long hot showers, 5 nights of sleep, 4 hours of silence, 3 glasses of Pinot, 2 mani pedis, and one day at the spa.

On the eighth day of Christmas, my family gave to me, 8 maids of cleaning, 7 movies to watch, 6 long hot showers, 5 nights of sleep, 4 hours of silence, 3 glasses of Pinot, 2 mani pedis, and one day at the spa.

On the ninth day of Christmas, my family gave to me, 9 books to read,  8 maids of cleaning, 7 movies to watch, 6 long hot showers, 5 nights of sleep, 4 hours of silence, 3 glasses of Pinot, 2 mani pedis, and one day at the spa.

On the tenth day of Christmas, my family gave to me, 10 empty hampers, 9 books to read,  8 maids of cleaning, 7 movies to watch, 6 long hot showers, 5 nights of sleep, 4 hours of silence, 3 glasses of Pinot, 2 mani pedis, and one day at the spa.

On the eleventh day of Christmas , my family gave to me, 11 Zumba classes, 10 empty hampers, 9 books to read,  8 maids of cleaning, 7 movies to watch, 6 long hot showers, 5 nights of sleep, 4 hours of silence, 3 glasses of Pinot, 2 mani pedis, and one day at the spa.

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my family gave to me, 12 gourmet meals, 11 Zumba classes, 10 empty hampers, 9 books to read,  8 maids of cleaning, 7 movies to watch, 6 long hot showers, 5 nights of sleep, 4 hours of silence, 3 glasses of Pinot, 2 mani pedis, and one day at the spa.

Merry Christmas!

I Am "Mommy Cow"

   “Hi, Mommy Cow. Bye, Daddy Dog.” No, I’m not in a pet store. I’m home with my kids and this is now how my three-year-old greets us. For some odd reason she is now attaching animals to everyone’s name. Sure it may be cute…at first. But, for people who are not up on her new lingo, it can be embarrassing at times. My absolute favorite is when she doesn’t know people’s first names and simply says, “Bye pig, or bye horse.” Then, I have to explain the obsession to a new set of horse eyes or a new pig snout. Sometimes, I just want to hide in the barn.

   I’m trying to figure out where this animal obsession came from. We certainly don’t live on a farm. Yes, she’s been to a farm to see animals, but that was months ago. We don’t have animals. Heck, I don’t really even like animals all that much. She doesn’t watch any “animal” based cartoons. So, how in the world did it happen? It just kinda did one day. At first, I thought it was a fluke. I was going to file it under, “kids say the darnedest things.” But, I’m beginning to think this is going to stick around for awhile…kinda like Caillou, but perhaps not as annoying.

   My daughter not only assigns animals to people, but changes them on a daily basis. Yesterday her cousin was a squirrel. Today, she’s a cat. Yesterday her Grandmother was a duck. Today, she’s a dog. While everyone else gets to play musical animals, her father and I are destined to be dogs and cows. For some reason, I have the joy of being called a “cow.” Just what every woman dreams of!
Why can’t I be a cat, or perhaps even a squirrel? I would even settle for a duck every now and again. But no, I am “Mommy Cow”. I’ll let you know if things change. But for now, moo to you:)

   

Searching for the Big "O"

   If you’re like me, you’re always looking for it. No matter how hard you try, you just can’t seem to achieve it. Sometimes you think you’ve got it, but you don’t. You used to be able to do it all the time. But, then the kids came, and well, you just don’t have the time because it just dropped down on the priority list. I’m talking about the big “O”. For those of you who have been reading the “Fifty Shades” trilogy like me, I’m not talking about that “O”. I’m talking about organization. Sorry to burst all your bubbles if you thought this was going to be a sex post. Maybe you should go back and spend some quality time with Christian Grey!

  Anyway, do any of you other mommas out there always feel like you are in a constant state of disorganization? It seems like no matter what I do, I just can’t seem to get things in order. For those of you who know me, you know that I used to be sooo organized pre-kids. Some may say I was even borderline OCD, but I prefer to say I was just E-O, that’s extremely organized for those of you who don’t know. Now I’m just S.O.L. If you don’t know what that means, look it up. 

   Let’s start with the housework. When did the house become such a mess? Oh yeah, that’s right, I have kids. It feels like there are just not enough hours in the day and not enough of me to go around. There are days I feel like I need a clone just to do all the grunt work. Wouldn’t that be a dream? That might even be better than a date with Christian Grey. Okay, maybe not! But, you get my drift. It seems like I am constantly loading and unloading the dishwasher. There are constant piles of laundry that need to be put away. Don’t get me started on the house cleaning! Dust bunnies have seemed to take refuge in every corner of my house. They used to just vacation here, but now they’ve moved in and they’ve brought their cousins. I don’t like it one bit. Then there’s just the stuff that’s lying around everywhere. Crayons, books, magazines, random toys, catalogues…I could on and on. Where did all this stuff come from? Sigh.

   Now I know a playroom is just that, a playroom, but why do I have to feel like I’m going to step on a land mine at any second? Sometimes you need protective gear to enter. Blocks are usually scattered everywhere along with crayons, teapots, tea cups, and lots of stuffed animals.I know it’s their room, but it would be nice to be able to walk without almost breaking your neck. Sigh.

  My DVR is even in need of organization. I am currently 16 episodes, make that 17 episodes, behind my favorite soap opera. I need to lock myself in my room with some major snacks in order to organize this bad boy. I’ll put that on the list of things that are not going to happen any time soon. Sigh.

   What happened to free time to just get things in order like pictures or, God forbid, time to finish my “Fifty Shades” trilogy? For the love of Pete, I’ve been reading this third book forever! Oh yeah, I have kids.

   Since it seems like true organization is not in my future anytime soon, I might as well suck it up. I know there are plenty of you out there who are in the same boat. For those of you who have kids and are still completely organized with a spotless house, no laundry to put away, and dinner on the table with a different “Food Network” recipe every night…I hate you. Just kidding…okay, not really. But, please share your secrets to success, unless you’re some kind of robot, because that would be the only explanation. Ciao Ciao for now…I’m off now to continue my quest for the big “O”. Sigh.

No Power=No Caillou

   Obviously when you lose the power, you lose your lights, television and all the other great things we have learned to be very cranky without. But, try explaining that to a three-year-old. Yeah, not so easy, and really not so much fun. Like millions of people along the East coast, we lost our power during Hurricane Sandy. It was one of those things we knew was going to happen, it was just a matter of time. Luckily, I was able to cook dinner so we didn’t have to resort to peanut butter or brownies for food, because that would have just been so horrible. Anyway, we were sitting at the table when the lights flickered a couple of times. What a tease. Let’s just get this over with Sandy. Anyway, within minutes, we were sitting in the dark. My youngest daughter could care less, but my oldest first stated the obvious, “It’s dark.” That’s my girl. Then we told her that the storm knocked out the power and turned the lights off. She preceded to tell us she didn’t like the storm and that it was bad. I had to laugh at that one.

   So, I lit a few candles and we had our flashlights as we moved to the couch. My little one was waddling around in the dark like it was no one’s business. Meanwhile, my oldest asked if she could watch “Caillou”. That’s her favorite cartoon show. For those of you who have never made the bald little annoying Canadian…”He’s just a boy who’s four and each day he grows some more…Caillou, Caillou,Caillou…that’s me.” Yeah, the theme song is the equivalent to “Call Me Maybe” to a tween. Anyhow, I told her that having no power meant no television, which meant no Caillou. So, she said “later Mommy.” Yeah, still not getting it. My husband and I knew we would be in the dark well past the morning. Not to get her hopes it, I told her I doubted it because it would take awhile for the power to come back on.

   Ladies and gentlemen, we have lift off.
   “I have no power.”
   “No honey, no power.”
   “I don’t have Caillou.”
   “No honey, no power, no Caillou.”
    She then remembered an episode where little Caillou lost his power in a storm. Then, she asked me, “just like Caillou?”
   Yep, I answered, just like him. From that point on, she seemed to have grasped the concept of not having power. Who knew Caillou would come in handy!

  

Sleep Training Boot Camp

   My kids are horrible sleepers. Okay, maybe not horrible, but they certainly wouldn’t win any awards. They wouldn’t even get an honorable mention. I’ll admit, my oldest has gotten better, although she sometimes likes to come in Mommy and Daddy’s bed. But, my youngest is a problem. She’s one and I think she’s only slept through the night once during her young life. She wakes up anywhere from two to five times a night. She doesn’t just cry. She screams and wails like there is an exorcism going on. It really doesn’t get much more annoying than that. So being the sucker that I am, I would pick her up and nurse her back to sleep. Yeah, I know, bad idea. But, again, I can be a sucker. The pediatrician has been telling me I need to let her cry it out. I would just nod and smile because that never really seemed to work. That is, until now.

   Last week, we started what I like to call “Sleep Training Boot Camp”. I’ll admit I used to laugh at people who told me they had to train their kids to sleep. I even read some articles online about the different training methods, but they actually put me to sleep. Who would think that some kids need to learn how to be good sleepers? Not me. After a week or so of this stuff, I have to admit it, it actually works. I’ve followed the instructions and instead of putting her to bed asleep, I’m actually putting her down when she’s still kinda awake so she can get comfy herself.

   Fast forward a couple of hours when she wakes up. I hear the wailing through my little monitor. I wait a few minutes. If she doesn’t stop, I go in the room. I know I’m not supposed, but baby steps people. But, I don’t pick her up. I may rub her back as she body slams herself on her mattress out of frustration. But, I let her work it out. I’ll be damned, she actually does! She’s actually getting back to sleep without me doing much to help her! Are you ready for the best part? I’m actually getting some quality sleep! Score! I know we still have a ways to go before we’re not hearing a peep from her. For now, I’ll take it. Now, back to boot camp!