POST CATEGORY : Mommy Laughs

Who’s Crying Now?

   Who knew pre-school could be so tough? I mean we didn’t have to take any SAT’s, we didn’t have a summer reading list, yet, this has been one rocky road to the sandbox. I thought it would be a piece of cake, but as I’ve written before, it’s been pretty sucky. Alas, there is light at the end of the juice box. Ladies and gentlemen, she has stopped crying! After two weeks of puppy dog eyes and quivering lips, not one tear is being shed anymore these days…by her. Yeah, that’s right, guess who’s crying now?

   I’m not saying I want to see my daughter sad when I leave her, but there is something deep down that says, “wow, she loves me that much that she’s so upset for leaving me for just a couple of hours.” Although I stressed about it and wondered why she was the only one crying, it made me know just how much I meant to her. It may sound stupid, but it’s the truth. But, as a mom, I know she needs to separate and spread her little wings, even if it’s just at pre-school. Plus, I was also starting to get frustrated that she was the only kid there crying.

   Fast forward two weeks and I just about get a kiss goodbye. Once the crayons and markers come out, it’s peace out mom, don’t let the door hit you on the way out, if you know what I mean.  As I walk down the hallway, I could feel the tears well up in my eyes. I’m the one who’s sad now. See, with her being so upset in the beginning, I never had the chance to feel sad myself because I was so worried about her. But, now that I know she’s drawing and singing her days away, I guess it’s my turn. At least she says she misses me when I pick her up. So for now, I’ll take that. I know there will come a day (soon) when she won’t and then I’ll really be crying.

MomOlympics

   In the spirit of the Summer Olympics, I began to think about some sports Moms could compete in if we had our own games. There are definitely some everyday activities and skills that could have us competing for the gold. Here are just a few I came up with…

1. Diaper Dash
*How fast can you change a diaper before your little one scoots away or flips over?

2. Synchronized Spoon Feeding
*Two children, two mouths, two different spoons of food…any questions?

3. Breastfeeding Multi-Tasking Relay
*Walking, texting, talking and feeding at the same time…rinse, lather, repeat pretty much all day long

4. Baby Balancing
*Carry your baby, car seat, diaper bag, and try not spill your cup of piping hot Dunkin’…may the force be with you momma

5. Mega Momma Sprint
*10 errands, 2 children…how fast can you do it with the least number of meltdowns and tantrums?

   After going over my list, I think I could get the gold in the Breastfeeding Multi-Tasking Relay. It’s the Diaper Dash that I still need more training in. But, as you all know, you can’t really practice being a mom…it’s all about trial and error. Whatever you do, go for the gold!

Professional Booger Cleaner

   As a Mom we take on a bunch of different roles…cook, driver, entertainer, nurse, you name and we do it. Over the past two weeks I picked up another title…professional booger cleaner. Yep. I don’t know if I can ever put it on a resume, but it is a skill I have acquired and I have to say I’m pretty damn good at it.

   Let’s rewind about two weeks. My older daughter was jumping around and moving like Jagger and the next day she’s got a 102 fever and throwing up dinner. Good times. It doesn’t stop there. Day two we pick up a nose that runs worse than any leaky faucet you could imagine. Day three we acquire what sounds like a smoker’s cough. By day four, we’re on fire at 104 degrees with a little diarrhea thrown in just for fun. Here’s the best news of all…the doctor tells us it’s just a virus and there’s not much I can do but just wait it out. Well, while waiting it out, I manage to get sick for a couple of days,and my baby daughter gets sick too. She gets the runny nose and smoker’s cough with some pink eye thrown in for fun.

   During this whole time, I felt like someone on that show about people who have the dirtiest jobs. Mother should be thrown in there. I cleaned more boogers in 14 days than I think I have in my entire life. It’s amazing how much snot two little noses can carry. In case you were wondering, there is an art form to cleaning a child’s nose, since they can’t blow it like you or I. You have to be quick on the draw and swoop that tissue in as if you were Indiana Jones in the temple of doom. If you slow down you are in trouble and end up with one unhappy kid to say the least!

   After playing nurse to everyone in the family, including my husband, because of course he got sick too, you would think I would get some flowers or something. Nope, I get rewarded with a dose of pink eye myself. This is after already getting sick and feeling better. Totally not fair! But anyway, as I’m sitting in the doctor’s office filling out paperwork, I get to the part that says “occupation.” For one moment in time, I’m tempted to pencil in “professional booger cleaner.” But then I’d have to write vomit cleaner upper and diaper changer of the year! I opt for mom. That doesn’t even begin to describe all the hats I wear, but for now it will have to do!

The Wheels On the Car Go Round & Round…Until Someone Has to Pee

   If you have kids, you know vacations ain’t what they used to be. You can say goodbye to sleeping until a decent hour. A child’s body clock has no respect for the fact that you are on vacation. Accept it and move on. Forget about romantic, candlelight dinners that don’t include chicken nuggets and crayons. It’s not happening unless you have a sitter with you. Your table for two is now set for at least three. There’s no turning back now. Whether you travel by train, plane, or automobile, fasten your seat belts, it could be a bumpy ride!

   Seeing that I only have experienced travelling with kids by car, that’s what I’m going to talk about here.We recently went on a road trip with our two kids and a family with two kids of their own…all in one vehicle. Yes, I know, some of you may think we’re crazy, and maybe we are! In case you’re hitting the roadways this summer, here are some tips I picked up that could help make your ride a smoother one. Here we go…

1. Travel during the night when the kids are usually sleeping
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT travel during daylight hours. Even if you have to hook up a caffeine IV to your steering wheel, it is well worth travelling at night .

2. No matter how many videos you bring for that damn DVD player, it’s never enough
You’ll be watching Barney’s adventure until your face turns purple and Dora will still be exploring. Trust me.

3. If you buy a Happy Meal for one child in the car, buy one for all
Don’t worry if they won’t eat the apples or if the toy is stupid. Failing to do so will make an unhappy meal for all.

4. Children will have to pee every five miles even if they’ve had nothing to drink for an hour
They must be hardwired to do so. I really have no other explanation.

5. If you have a baby, he or she will pick your super long car ride to decide to poop like an adult
It won’t be pretty. Enough said.

6. You can not breastfeed your baby while he or she is in the car seat
Your body is not made that way and if it were you would be on the next Jerry Springer show.

7. Your car will look like it belongs on “Hoarders”
It will be packed with all kinds of crap. There will be crumbs and toys on the floor and the seat. There are also bound to be spots from some kind of spilled junk. That’s why there are car washes.

8. If you need gas and the kids are sleeping, ride it on “E” for as long as you can
There is a 100 percent chance one, if not all, will wake up pissed off once the vehicle comes to a stop.
Pretend you are Kramer from “Seinfeld” and you’re in that episode where he rides as long as he can without getting gas.

9. You will hear your name non-stop.
Don’t plan on relaxing or reading a book. It’s just not going to happen.

10. You will make some great memories.
Trust me here. After all is said and done, it really is a lot of fun ,despite the bumps in the road.

Happy Trails!

A Mother of a Day

  As a mother there are days, and then there are days with your children. You know those days. The ones that have you ready to tweeze every hair out of your head or go play in traffic or maybe tweeze every hair while playing in traffic. Whatever the case may be, kids can trade their halos for horns in a millisecond and drive you insane.

  So, what kind of things would make you want to buy a one way ticket to Zimbabwe? Let’s see. For starters, your kid saying she has to pee everywhere you go although she has had nothing to drink for awhile. Then, when you get to the bathroom, she simply says no and walks away. Deep breath. Perhaps, it’s having your baby contort her body as she desperately tries to free herself from her stroller as if she’s possessed. Did I mention this is happening at the mall where you just wanted to buy one thing but end up leaving because you’re so annoyed?

  Wait, there’s more. How about having one child lick the wall, while the other uses your floor as a teething ring? Or one of my faves, having a bottle of water poured on the floor just for the hell of it. Then there’s the constant fighting over toys between one child who says everything is hers and another who can’t tell the other one to stop. Don’t forget the projectile vomit all over your arm and hands and in the crevice of your rings. That may be my fave.

  All of this can really make you want to curl up in a fetal position and just hide. But you can’t. You’re the momma. All of this craziness comes with the territory, like it or not. They’re just kids, but it can still drive you nuts. Maybe that’s why there’s one whole day dedicated to us for what we deal with the other 364.Happy Mother’s Day!
 

What if Babies Were Born With Teeth?

   Okay, so if you’ve ever gone through labor, the thought of a baby being born with teeth is enough to make you want to curl up in a fetal position. But, as a mother dealing with a teething baby, I have to tell you, it may not be as bad as what I am dealing with now. It may sound twisted, but when you are woken up four times a night, within six hours a few nights a week, your mind darts into some dark places. This is one of them.

  So, what if babies were born with teeth? First and foremost, breastfeeding may be a challenge to say the least. My cut off for breastfeeding is when a tooth pops up. You can’t rip a nip. Enough said. If babies had teeth, maybe they could eat real food sooner. It’s not like you would serve a t-bone for his first meal, but it would be nice to offer something substantial.

  If babies were born with teeth, there would be no use for those dumb teething rings.  They never really worked for my kids. My first child would keep it in her mouth for a few seconds then throw it on the ground. My six month old wears it as a bracelet now after she puts it in her mouth for awhile. At least the girl can accessorize. Another thing…without teething rings, you would have to find another cheap basket stuffer for all those baby showers.

   If babies were born with teeth, there would also be no use for baby Orajel. Another useless product in my book. I always end up getting the gel on their tongues or lips and they scream even more because now they can’t feel anything except for something ripping their gums apart.

   No one said teething was fun. The poor babies are just downright miserable and so are the parents. So since babies are not born with teeth I raise my third cup of coffee to more sleepless nights, crying, drooling, and fussiness. And that’s just me! One thing is for sure. Teething really bites.

A is for Apple, B is for…

   Parents get so excited when they hear their kids say new words. I have to say every time my two-and-a-half year old says something new I feel like Albert Einstein’s momma. Wow, she’s getting so smart I tell myself. She must really be listening to everything I am telling her. She’s such a little sponge! Actually these days, she’s more of a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser because she’s grasping words I am not even directing towards her too. Oh yes, ladies and gentlemen we’ve come to the point where I am spelling out words so she can’t figure out what I am saying. It’s all because she now says boob. Not just boob, but boobie, and of course, because you can’t have one without the other, the plural… boobies. When she first said it I thought I was hearing things. So I asked, “What did you just say?” “Boob, momma.” Yep, that’s what I thought.

 It’s not like we go around the house saying the word, but, I am sure she has heard it so many times when we are talking about breastfeeding. Sorry, but we don’t say breast, we say boob. It’s better than using the “T” word, don’t ya think? Nevertheless, I don’t want her going around pointing to a woman’s chest and saying boob all the time. The sad thing is she sounds so funny when she says it. I bite my tongue so I don’t laugh. Yes, there is a 12-year-old boy trapped inside of me! But, if you hear her say it, which I hope you won’t, you would laugh too!

   It doesn’t stop there. She not only says the word, but knows what they are used for. She’ll say boobies, then takes her Abby Caddabby doll and proceed to breastfeed her. In case you didn’t know, fairies in training like breast milk, remember that. In any case, I guess she could be saying worse things. But, sometimes I feel like a “boob” for saying it around her in the first place!

‘Twas Two Days Before Christmas

‘Twas just two days before Christmas and all around my home, everyone was stirring, no one would leave me alone.
The stockings were hung over the fireplace with care, my husband used Command hooks so no marks would be left there.
Oh,how I wish the children were all snuggled all nice in their beds, they’ve been bathed, they’ve been rocked, of course they’ve been fed, so why do I still have visions of them sleeping dancing in my head?
Mama’s in the kitchen with still a lot to do, wrapping, baking, plenty of cleaning left too.
Now Comet!
Now Lysol!
On Swiffer!
On Bissell!
To the top of the counter, all the way down to the floor, you know what to do, we’ve done this before!
Dust bunnies and dirt, be gone once and for all!
All this work for just one day, the shopping, the cooking, the baking, it seems like it will never get done, but in the end it is worth all the fun.
The hustle and bustle, every year I complain, but without all the ruckus it just wouldn’t be the same.
The children are anxious, Christmas Day is almost here, it’s the day many of them dream of all year.
There will be wrapping paper flying and directions to be read, plenty of Dads will be wishing they assembled those toys ahead.
When it’s all over, the kids will be happy, everything will be just fine and Mommy can finally have that one glass of wine.
Maybe I’ll have two, yes, I really just might!
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

My Christmas List

Dear Santa,
   I know times are tough this year and your rent in the North Pole went up along with the cost of living. You might have also lost a bit in that 401K and you also probably had to lay off a few elves, so there are less people to make all those toys. The elves you have are probably working OT or maybe you outsourced, who knows. Whatever the case may be, the things on my list have no assembly required and don’t need batteries, so you’re in the clear. I know you’re busy, but I would appreciate whatever you could through my way. I think I’ve been a good girl this year, so work your magic before heading to Florida for the winter (I assume you and the misses are snowbirds).
Here goes…
1. One day in peace to clean my house…I know this sounds odd, but I get a strange pleasure from cleaning my house from top to bottom even though I know it will just get dirty again within hours. I haven’t bonded with my Clorox wipes in awhile, so throw an OCD chic a bone would ya?
2. Dinner at a restaurant that doesn’t have crayons…love those kids to pieces, but it would be nice to eat a meal that someone has actually cooked rather than one that has been copied from a picture from corporate headquarters
3. One night of uninterrupted sleep…need I say more?
4. A pay-per-view movie palooza that includes a day in my jammies and maybe a visit from good old Ben & Jerry..I really just want to watch “Something Borrowed” since I read the book
5. A day when my children could change their own diapers (okay I know this is unrealistic, but a momma can dream!)
   I think that just about covers it Santa. Shoot me a tweet or friend me on Facebook if you have any questions. You shouldn’t have trouble finding our house, it’s done up Clark Griswold style. My husband likes to keep the electric company in business, what can I say! I’ll leave you some home baked cookies, if my children nap, if not you’re getting Chips Ahoy because that’s what was on sale this week. I will have a nice glass of milk waiting for you too.
Sincerely,
Kristina

One of These Things is Not Like the Other

  Babies R Us, Motherhood Maternity, Target…those have really been the extent of my shopping experiences over the last few months while I’ve been pregnant. Throw in a random trip to J.C. Penney and Macy’s and that just about covers it. Most of it has been to buy practical things…some new maternity shirts, gifts, clothes for my daughter, and some necessities for the new arrival. I haven’t really bought anything for myself because I figure what’s the point in buying new clothes when I don’t know what post-baby has in store for me.
   But, my good friends at Victoria’s Secret (actually we’re not really good friends, more like acquaintances, but I digress) sent me some coupons in the mail. Some were for percentages off your purchase when you spend a certain amount. But there was one for a free pair of underwear. There’s not a lot that’s free in the world and my motto has always been if it’s free, it’s for me. So I decided to cash in on my coupon. I took my daughter on a nice little stroller ride through the mall and stopped in Victoria’s Secret. Well, I’m surprised an alarm didn’t go off when I stepped foot inside. Let’s just say with my bulging pregnant belly and bouncing two-year-old in the stroller, I didn’t exactly blend in. To my right were some women checking out the latest lingerie…they needed to eat a twinkie. To my left in the “Pink” section were a bunch of teenie bopper girls wondering what sweatpants to buy. It is apparently very important which word is on your butt, silly me.
So I waddled over to the table to get my free grub when a bubbly girl asked if I needed help. I’m surprised she didn’t ask me if I was lost or if I needed directions. I told her I was just picking out my free underwear. She did point me in the right direction and then asked if she could help me with anything else. I looked at her, looked at my belly, looked at her again and politely said no. When she realized she wasn’t going to make a dime off of me, she slowly strolled away.
   As I rummaged through the table, I realized that some things have changed since I had been here last…mainly the sizes. I think the size small could have fit my two-year-old. What grown woman could fit into those? I have wash clothes bigger than those underwear. Obviously, I was starting to feel like getting the free pair of underwear just wasn’t worth it. But, I kinda already felt like I committed, so I figured I might as well follow through. So, I sifted through to sadly determine my “new mommy” size and get to the register. Once I got there, the Barbie behind the counter asked me why I wasn’t using my other coupons. For the love of Pete, just give me my free underwear and let me get out of here! I pointed to my belly and told her it just wasn’t practical right now. I got an “oh”. Yeah, “oh” is right. So, she wrapped up my non-purchase and I was on my way. I dodged my way through the dental floss undies and super padded push-up bras. Luckily, my daughter was too obsessed with her cheerios the whole time and didn’t say much. I just couldn’t wait to get out of there. I was feeling kinda dumb being in there, but they did send me a coupon. And if you know me, I haven’t met a coupon I didn’t like. Maybe they need to add a line of fine print on the bottom of the coupon that says, “pregos steer clear, if you come in, you’ll find one of these things is clearly not like the other.”